Saturday, January 21, 2012

What NOT to Say to Someone Who has Miscarried

1.  This is God's will.  I know He has a plan for you. 
  - Right now, I don't care.  And most that believe in God, already know this.  It doesn't help.  Right now the hurt is so strong it's hard to imagine anything beyond this moment. 

2. Miscarriages are really common.  It just happens sometimes.
  - It may be common, but not in my everyday life.  And someone else hurting this bad doesn't help.  It makes me feel bad for the others that are hurting, too.

3. At least you know you can get pregnant!
  - Yes, and for me right now pregnancy doesn't end in baby, so who cares if I can get pregnant.  I'm not interested in this logic making it better.

4. You'll have another baby.
  - I wanted this baby.  Having another one doesn't end the hurt from this one.    

5. At least it was early on.
 - This was my baby from the second I knew about it.  I've made plans for it, picked out a crib, and fallen in love with the changes already showing in my body.  I don't care when it was, I still loved this baby already.

6. You should be over it by now.

 - Yes.  Someone actually said this to me.  When did you get over the death of your parent?  Anybody important to you that died?  It's not instant.  It's not going to happen in a week.  I'm going to be sad for a while. 

7. The next one will work.  It did with me!
 - Not always.  As this is my second one, sometimes they don't work.  

I know people mean well when trying to find something to say to someone who has miscarried.  In my experience, only those who have experienced it can find somewhat of the right words to say, but there are still no words. 

Best thing to do?  Be quiet.  Say you're sorry, and then shut up.  You aren't going to make them feel better by anything you say.  Hug them, let them cry, and pray for God to heal these wounds.


  1. Actually a friend and I made a list of What Not to Say too. I don't think I ever posted it. People will say the stupidest thing and not realize how stupid or hurtful it was.

  2. I read your list and this might fall under #2, but I just had to open it up to you. I have a friend from high school who also had a devastating loss this week. They had been trying since April to get pregnant and found out the heart stopped beating around 11 weeks. I don't know if reading others stories would heal or hurt at this point, so do with it what you will. Here is the link to her blog post There is so much hurt and loss right now... I have another high school friend who lost her little brother in a car accident... I just can't wrap my mind around all of the pain. I hope your heart continues to heal each day and am so sorry.