The 8 weeks post that isn't.

I can't believe I'm writing these words again.  Miscarriage.  Another baby gone. 

My heart is breaking.  With the first one, although it was awful, I told myself that this happened to several people I know, and they all went on to have perfectly healthy babies on the next go around.  When it happens again, what do you do?  Today I got told not only that I had lost yet another baby, but that I was going to be referred to a reproductive specialist.  If you want to feel like a failure in life, have to go to a specialist for the one thing your body is made to do: bear children. 

We've waited for so long to start trying for kids because of all the other horrible crap that went on in the first few years of our marriage, I thought for sure that when I got pregnant on the first try, this was God's way of bringing things back around.  And then when I lost it, I thought, "I expected to get pregnant.  I expected this blessing.  I won't make that mistake again."  And when I got pregnant the very first time again, I thought, "God is healing my heart!  This is it!"  I honestly don't know what to think at this point. 

These are probably on the list of things ministers aren't supposed to say, but here goes:  I'm angry.  I don't understand.  I'm hurt.  I'm asking God why, because I don't get it.  I don't understand what's wrong with me that I can't keep a baby in there.  16 year olds around the world do it, and they don't even want children. 

In the Lutheran church, this Sunday is considered to be Life Sunday. Thankfully, my coworkers have gotten me a sub so I won't have to suffer through that, but I have to admit, that day fuels my anger.  How in the world can people choose to give up this blessing of life, when so many of us are struggling just to make it happen.  To keep it.  To get to the point of holding that baby.  I'm angry. 

In the midst of my anger, there are a few things I'm thankful for.  Coworkers that got my a sub, volunteers that spread the word so I wouldn't be bombarded with well-wishers for a pregnancy that isn't, the couple from church that brought us dinner and cheesecake and a big thing of Dr. Pepper and let me be angry and cry, for a husband that I know has my back and loves me. 

But honestly?  I'm not ready to be thankful.  I'm ready to cry and scream and spend hours in my bed devouring cheesecake.  With the last loss, I took one day of grieving, and then hoisted myself up and sang a concert series with a 4 hours dress rehearsal.  I was so weak from the blood loss I had to sit on a stool to do the concert.  I did two church services and came home and cried.  I poured myself into work.  And two months later, I was still grieving.

I'm going to try things a little different this time, and I ask for your patience.  I'm not doing anything this weekend.  I'm going to go get my hair cut tomorrow because it looks like ass, and go to one meeting where my friends will be at, and then I'm going to wallow at home.  And I'm not going to go to church on Sunday, but I'm going to stay in bed.  And I'll try and go back to work on Tuesday, but if I'm not feeling ready yet, I'm not going to go.  I may not shower for a few days.  I try to be organized and all together, but you know what?  I'm not all together right now. 

If you want specifics to pray for, pray for healing, pray for my body to quickly realize it isn't pregnant to get rid of this stuff inside, pray for Kyle and I as we struggle through yet another major loss in our lives and figure out where to go from here.